Big girls don't fart

Oooo it's two icky ones in a row, what a bargain!

This is one social thing that is always a little bit awkward: The Lady Fart. We all do it, everyone knows we do it, yet most girls hold in even a minor trump for fear of cries of "You are unclean! Away with you, Wench!" This fear is ridiculous, but not entirely unfounded. I'm a fairly confident public farter (Note to self: add that to CV) yet even yesterday, my boyfriend of 2 and a half years - who is well aware how disgusting I am - comes out with "But girls don't fart..." Maybe he was joking...and maybe I shouldn't have physically attacked him...but it's a common opinion that farting isn't "ladylike" [and again - what does that mean?! There isn't such a word as manlike!] I am here to say that not only do girls fart as much as boys, but sometimes even more...

You see, good internet friends, about 3 years ago I discovered I had this wonderful thing called IBS, which stands for irritable bowel syndrome. Now, before I knew what it was, I never thought about it but now I do know, all too well, what IBS is; I take offence to the name. The syndrome bit is fine. It's serious, it's medical-y. That's grand. And bowel is fine also because, well, that's what it is. But irritable?? When my mum nags me the minute I get home I'm irritable. When I have to make small talk with well-meaning, but infinitely dull, people I'm irritable. When my insides rage into self-destructive mode because I had too much mayonaise in my sandwich, I'm not irritable, I'm pissed off. And before you say it's the bowel that's irritable, no it isn't. My bowel hates me. And isn't afraid to show it. By the way, all this ranting is actually only a precursor to tell you that whenever I mention it again, I shall not refer to it as IBS, but POBS (Pissed Off Bowel Syndrome). Just so we're on the same page.

So, back to women folk. I mention POBS because women are more likely to get it than men, and so are much more likely to be farting all over the shop. And we shouldn't be afraid to because, if you have POBS, farting makes the evil insides happy again. Why should we stop being happy inside? I like being happy. Try it. It's fun.

And just to reassure everyone that I'm not bitter...or not entirely...I have found some wonderful ways of making excessive farting fun. Firstly, the "girls don't fart" thing. The first time I farted in front of my boyfriend, he smelt it and said "oh sorry, was that me?" It turns out old Jakeface often farts without realising, and thus everytime I farted, I'd follow it with an "Oh, Jake!" It was at least a year of our relationship before he found out. Genius. And he didn't work it out, I had to confess.

Also, I have discovered that if you own it, and make it your own, it's not as embarassing as much as it is hilarious. And I will do most things for a joke. Thus, when I won at cards the other night, and felt a Pissed Off Bowel movement coming on, I didn't sit quietly and hope it went away. That would have been horrible for me and no fun for everyone else because sitting silently is LAME. Instead, I proudly threw down my cards and said "Right, I'm going for a Victory Poo." Cue riotous, if slightly shocked, laughter and a empty-bowelled, happy CJ. Joy all around :)

Right, that's third-wheeling, showering, and farting boundaries smashed. I am on a roll.