Greetings, Earthlings.

Hey kids. How y'all doing? 


Note to self: can't get away with country and western vibe. Let's move on, shall we?

As I am being dragged, reluctantly, into adulthood, there's this one social thing that I can't quite figure out. And as you know, I am usually a self-functioning normal person in society (ahem) but I just can't seem to get this right. So, I say we just get rid of the whole thing. What do you reckon? Ok, I'll tell you what it is first. 

Greetings. 

Say you're meeting someone for the first time, or someone you haven't seen for ages, or even, someone who you kind of know but don't really so every time you see them you have to do an official greeting every time. After you do the whole 'Hi I'm CJ.' 'Hi I'm Gladys' thing, or the 'Hey! How are youuuuu?' bit, I ask you, demand of you, WHAT DO YOU DO NEXT? There are so many options and none of them particularly appeal.

The handshake: too formal and (sorry mini-feminist who lives in my brain) girls can't pull off a handshake. It's weird. Then we have the hug: not formal enough for some people (I am not one of them. I am a hugger. A hug goblin if you will.) and a really good hug (which it would have to be because I am an excellent hugger and will not be deemed anything less, not by stranger nor friend) might be a bit up close and personal for people who haven't yet worked out I'm weird. And then there's the weird 'are we close enough friends to hug yet? We've never hugged before...' occurrence, which is even worse if one of you says 'Meh, Let's go for a hug!' and the other says 'Get off me, you weirdo.' Which has totally never happened to me...

But let's not even get started on the cheek kiss thing. We're not french, we're english. I don't say that to be racist. I quite like the french. Red Wine? Beret? Lovely. But english people can't pull it off, unless you're pretty posh/pretentious (which, admittedly, sometimes I like to have a go at) even then, do you go for one kiss, both cheeks? Repeat? What follows is a desperate, awkward head-butting session with a distant family member, and an even more awkward attempt to carry on as if nothing happened. I am not mature enough for the cheek kiss greeting, nor do I wish to allow it from anyone other than a well-meaning aunt. If we don't share genes, I don't want yours slobbered over my face. I know I have no social boundaries, but even if there're no lewd intentions, even if it's just your way of saying hi, if I wanted to kiss you, I would need dinner first. I am a lady (and pretty greedy). Otherwise, stay off of my face.


I feel like I should end by saying that I actually am a wonderful, approachable person. Darling, it's not you, it's me. And normally I hate rules. But we need some sort of legitimate system of recognising when to do what and with who (Bingo?) Or else, let's just chuck all the pleasantries out of the window and, if necessary, go for a high five.