It's been a while since I've written one of these bad boys. In fact, it's been a while since I've done much of anything. Pimms advised that I could do a blog about baking, seeing as that's the only thing I've done much of in the last few months, but I'm not sure if that fits the overriding theme of these blogs terribly well...
Fair warning: I strongly doubt the potential for hilarity in this particular blog. Yes, you're shocked, as well you should be, but I find myself four months out of Uni now, back in a semi-long-distance relationship, unemployed, living at home and having no idea what's going to happen next. It's not going to be a cheery one, Folks.
However, if there's one thing to come out of this dreary time of my life it's this: I finally understand what Holly Golightly is talking about in Breakfast at Tiffany's. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jsUIgchHXU
You know how random things seem to have a colour? For some reason, in my head February is orange, November is navy blue...It's more common with feelings; green with envy etc. I wonder who it was that decided the green-eyed monster had green eyes instead of brown, or why being sad meant having 'The Blues' and not 'The Blacks'. If you couldn't be bothered to watch the clip (you know who you are) I shall try to summarise. Holly Golightly (incidentally the only role I've seen Audrey Hepburn in that doesn't irritate me) says 'The Blues' are no big deal. You wallow, chow down on ice cream and chocolate (which would, in fact, be quite a big deal for me and my dairy-intolerant insides but it's what you do) spend the day in your jammies with Ewan McGregor on the screen and the next day you're fine. The Mean Reds are different. It's feeling like the world is on top of you and you're trapped, rootless and aimless and maybe a little bit afraid. Hypothetically speaking, like if you live at home, have no job, don't know where you're heading etc. Ahem...
When Holly Golightly gets the Mean Reds, she goes to Tiffany's. When I get them, I go to the sea. I get Jake to pick me up (come on, as if I'm going on a walk when I'm in a bad mood!) and we park at the beach and sit until I feel like going home again. I don't know why, but it works. Maybe there's something in just having a sit away from the place where you usually spend your life, maybe the Sea and Tiffany's both have something pretty to look at and that's a good distraction. Maybe it's just getting out and getting some air (hey, I roll down the windows...) but for some reason, when you get the Mean Reds that's what you do.
Why am I telling you all of this (to be honest, I'm asking myself that question right now!) I think it's because if there is any tenuous link between the Blues or the Mean Reds and breaking social boundaries it's this: no one talks about having them, and so it seems like you're the only one to ever get them. I think part of the reason why it sucks being down is because you feel so alone in it. It feels like everyone else is getting it right, and you just can't help getting it wrong. Yet, I think the reason I love Breakfast at Tiffany's so much is, aside from a plethora of other reasons, by calling that random feeling I have The Mean Reds, I realised that it has a name for a reason - other people have felt how I feel, and probably do right now. It's a thing.
There's a truth in the saying that 'Misery loves company'. It might sound selfish, and maybe it is, but knowing that a few of my friends are also back home and feeling a bit aimless somehow makes it ok that I feel that way. But when you're miserable, when is it ok to share that with the non-miserable people? No one likes a party pooper, and I'm with them on that, or you ask yourself 'What if they don't get it?' but then you spend so much energy pretending to be fine that you end up resenting your friends for not knowing that you're the furthest thing from it. Do you know how they'll know? If you tell them! Or maybe you don't share enough because it makes you realise how disproportionate your feelings are to the situation, especially if you share with people that have far greater miseries to deal with than your middle-class problems. 'Oh, I have too many choices and I don't know which to pick. I live with my parents, don't pay rent, and have my washing and dinner done for me every day but sometimes I have to unload the dishwasher. I have an awesome boyfriend which sucks cos I only see him 3 days out of 7, I have been blessed with too many best friends and I miss them all.' Sob Sob Tear Tear.
But it still sucks. I'm aware that things aren't all that bad really, but The Mean Reds don't respond to rationality. Today I'm depressed because I can't afford to go to Hatfield - Hatfield. Have you been there? I spent most of my time at Uni wishing I could be in Worthing again, or at least somewhere with more going for it than The Galleria and an Asda. But I miss my life there and have nothing going on here to replace it with yet. I just need something going on in my life.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I know this is some sort of learning curve for me. I know I'll look back on this time in my life as the first steps towards shaping my future; that something is on it's way round the corner waiting for me and these are the moments just before I reach it. But that doesn't do it for me right now. When you get your heart broken, you don't know at the time it's because something better is going to come along. When you move away from all your friends, you have no idea about the amazing new ones you're going to make. I've had both of those things happen, and so maybe when you're sad because you have to leave Uni you don't realise it's because you're about to start something incredible. So I suppose I'll have to hang my hat on the fact that The Mean Reds is a thing, an actual thing that someone else has felt and named and that means that, at the very least, I'm not alone. Everyone is searching for their place that makes them feel like 'Tiffany's' and until then, I guess I'm glad I live near the beach.
